This blog is more of an update on us. A little backstory on our first pregnancy and an update on how this first trimester has gone.
Backstory: One year ago pretty much to date we found out we were pregnant. We had just started trying so we were super excited and surprised but mostly excited. We were still in our tiny one bedroom apartment so we were brainstorming how that would work if we didn't find a house by then and all those "fun" things. But we would be the first great grandchild and grandchild on my family's side and I was just so excited for that. The dreams were forming and growing. Until they came to a pretty abrupt stop. We went to our first appointment and there was no heartbeat and from there speculation the baby had stopped growing. The office we were at in my opinion handles the situation pretty poorly. We were both sobbing and they were running through my options on how to remove the baby. It was pretty traumatic. We later were given the advice to get a follow up appointment (not by our doctor but a family friend) because it seemed like a harsh call pretty early on. So after we had been through alot of grieving we then made a second appointment with another office to see if it was too early of a call considering I was still early on. So over a week later we got the news that we had lost our baby.
You can never have a good experience when losing a baby. This was really really hard for us. We pretty much daily had to surrender these wants and pains to the Lord. losing a child in that way to me just didn't make sense. Why allow me to get pregnant in the first place? Why make me go through that.There was a lot that season taught me. But I still couldn't completely justify anything because I couldn't justify death.
This past year was in some seasons really hard. I would have days where I ached and sobbed because I didn't understand. I still don't understand. But I've become more ok with that.
Peter and I were hesitant to really start trying again because we were nervous, a bit afraid. We were not sure when to determine if we were ready. We were hoping to just get pregnant by Christmas and not have to put thought into it. But that didn't happen. So right before Christmas is when we decided we felt like we were as ready as we could be to try. The first month it was all consuming for me. I felt like God owed me something. Like he shouldn't make me wait too long before we got pregnant because that wouldn't be fair. After taking multiple pregnancy tests that first month I felt drained by it. I didn't want it this way. I prayed into these feelings and surrendered my need for control. As I have to do it pretty often because I love things to go my way. So after that first month I told Peter to hold me accountable to those thoughts. I didn't want this process to take over everything. So daily I surrendered this need for control. I didn't think the desire to have children was wrong but this need for it to go my way was. And it didn't feel good either.
That next month we got that positive result. We were both so excited but definitely guarded our hearts a bit. We still told our family and friends right away because we were so excited. But our hearts and conversations with each other (Peter and I) we definitely guarded. I am still so thankful we included people in our first pregnancy experience because the prayers and support during the pregnancy were so catered to that. I felt seen and heard during this first trimester. Even though I haven't been feeling great physically there was an understanding from others when I would share my heart. And I so appreciated that.
So the weeks prior to our appointment were filled with a bit of morning sickness and a lot of prayer.
Our appointment at the new office was night and day compared to our first one. For more reasons than one. But they were very tender towards us, it was a huge answer to prayer. We prayed for a sono tech that was tender and that we would hear a strong heart beat. The first words out of her mouth was “that's a strong heartbeat”.
Since our appointment we have been relieved and so thankful. Worship music and scripture has been a huge peace factor for me. I've had a hard time really concentrating. My brain has been in a fog for a bit. So worship is so refreshing for me.
I have been pretty fatigued and nauseous for the past few weeks now. Throwing up is the grossest but we're working through it. It's really hard to feel so different from how I normally feel. It can feel a little lonely. Everyday is different but it's so challenging for me. Working from home is a blessing because I'm able to move things around and nap when I need to but it's been a lot for me. It's never hard for me to hit protein or drink 100oz of water but I don't think I have in weeks. So it's a different challenge for me but I'm trying to do what I can. I'm staying optimistic but growing a baby is no joke.
We are so thankful to be stepping into this new season. Peter has been more than a rock. He has stepped up in every possible area. Emotional support. The cooking and cleaning, everything. He has gone above and beyond and knows how to encourage me. I'm also pregnant with a lot of friends which has been fun. Especially me and my sister in law ani. It's our firsts and we’re due two months apart. SO my mother is over the moon. Now starts the adventure of the baby's room and registry. But I'm here for it.
I'm so thankful for my husband, the support around me and worship in this season. Here we go!