Today was supposed to be the day our first baby came into the world. I know it doesn't always work that way and sometimes it's earlier or later. But generally speaking this was the day. It's hard to truly comprehend it. Because I have a hard time grasping that that was a part of my story.
Back in march Peter and I found out we were pregnant. We really “tried” with tracking and such once. I thought it was way too good to be true. The thrill of telling my parents (who would be first time grandparents). And my grandparents (who would be first time great grandparents). It was all happening so fast.
I couldn't believe it was happening. We had started our hunt for a house and figured it could all work out perfectly. Or we’d be in our one bedroom apartment with the baby and that would be ok with us too. Considering we rented an apartment from my parents I wouldn't mind having my mom next door. Without going into all the detail of our miscarriage again. You can find that here. We found out at our 10 week check up we had lost our baby.
I can't explain the pain that continues to randomly resurface in my heart. The dreams that were born and died with that experience. I don't think I will ever forget the sonogram when I was supposed to see my baby's heartbeat. But instead watched my husband crumble at my side. All I could say to him was that I was so sorry. The dream of him being a dad would have to wait. And there was nothing I could do.
This experience has shown me what little control we have. I wanted Peter to have a baby. I wanted my parents to have their first grandchild and at that moment I couldn't give it to them. It was out of my hands. As a christian and the tremendous value I place on life it still is so hard for me to wrap my head around this. We wanted this baby yet there was nothing we could do to keep him or her alive.
Why? Why, make us go through that. I still don't know the answer. But what I do know is that this life will have pain, a lot of pain. But I also have Jesus. In my moments of weakness when no one can say the right things to me. I have Jesus. In my moments of deep deep sadness, I have Jesus. There is no other way to explain it.
I can say without a doubt that I have had joy in this season. It doesn't mean I haven't been sad. Because more times than I can count I have come home sobbing and asking God why. But I've also been able to celebrate new pregnancies for people around me. Genuine celebration too. Not a fake it till I get out of here.
I definitely have my days when someone will ask me about something unrelated and I can lose it. I guess that's grief? For example I was at a birthday party talking about someone's house and it resurfaced in a way I can't explain. But then I've been holding a newborn and no thoughts of my pain surface. I guess that's grief? Some days I feel sad and I can't quite explain it. But I guess that's grief? But then some days I'm so overwhelmed by how good God has been to me.
I kind of figured we’d be pregnant by now. Because everyone told me I’d be so fertile post miscarriage. But we didn't do much to help that as far as tracking anything. So I can't be too surprised by that. We go back and forth on how we want to go about this. To try or just see what happens. My thoughts about it change daily. Thank God for Peter and his steadfastness. He completely trusts the Lord's timing and doesn't fear the “when.”
We have discovered we do fear the first appointment when we are pregnant. I fear telling people because the thoughts that follow are what happened last time. Only close friends check in on when we plan to try again. But the countless people who would ask me when we’re going to have babies don’t even allude to the subject anymore. Which is fine by me. But unfortunately it is a little bit of a cloud for us.
My most recent OBG apt. With a new OBG because never will I ever go to my previous one. She was wonderful, my favorite OBG ever. But she explained how my body has gone through changes and trauma and will never be the same. Not in this huge way but my body was pregnant and then not so it went through a lot. That shook me. My body changed and went through this and for what feels like for no reason? Why God? That's what I'd like to discuss with him in heaven for sure. I try to see good things that have come of this. To me it feels wrong because then I'm making light of a death so I can't go there.
But I am genuinely excited about getting pregnant and going through all of the firsts again. I can't wait to see a positive pregnancy test again. I've taken so many in the past few months. Again not that we have been trying, I take any little symptom too far. But I can't wait to step into that season again. I definitely feel more prepared. Peter and I were saying the other day that we feel more ready then we did 9 months ago. (so there's a “positive” I guess.) But we are now in a house (yay). Peter got a promotion at work and is able to give attention to that. I have done some pivoting with my business and I'm feeling way more connected to my work.
So you could say we now feel like we are “ready” if there's ever a ready time to bring another human into the world. But we are at peace with the situation. We’re ok with not having all the answers and reasons why. We are giving our attention to other things. Processing the grief when it surfaces. And looking forward to when the time comes to bring a baby into this world.
What we have learned through this. It's hard to summarize but if I could with a few things. Don’t do life alone. You don't have to announce everything to the world but let people in your space. Talk out those pains and fears.
Be honest. Peter and I have been brutally honest with each other and how we feel on the day to day. We ask the hard questions. We process the pain, when it comes up, together. We encourage one another to trust and not fear.
We also encourage one another to pursue joy and love other people. Despite what we feel we pursue it. Being grateful and rejoicing with others and mourning with others. Because we’re not the only people who had a hard season.
I hope this encourages you. It encouraged me.