What we learned and how we're healing after our miscarriage
The past few months have been a complete whirlwind. Peter and I experienced our first pregnancy and miscarriage. The most highs and lows we've ever experienced as a married couple.
I wouldn't say we're through it. But I'm hopeful that by talking about it, it could bring comfort to someone else and myself.
There are two major things I have learned through this experience. I find them important to share along with some others.
One being it’s so important to educate ourselves in the things we are walking through. I was not educated in certain things that i could have read up on. I also didn’t know the right questions to ask when things came up, I had nothing. Which led to a lot of heartache in the end.
The second is I realize the extreme need for support and having people I can be vulnerable with. The thought of having to walk having had no support is hard to even comprehend.
Peter and I shared we were pregnant early on when most would have normally waited. What I have found is that so many couples experience these horrible outcomes, alone.
So although we have gone through an overwhelming loss. We have been surrounded by love and support every step of the way.
I was shocked to hear that 1/4 woman walk through this. That it is common for women to go through a miscarriage at least once. I had no idea about any of these statistics.
I was pretty unaware. Not that you should walk into your doctors office expecting a miscarriage each time. But it’s important to know what steps need to be taken in case that does happen.
So to bring you a full picture of what we went through it’s important to start from the beginning. Peter and I found out we were pregnant in February and the week before we had decided we would try to travel in the fall. So it was a pretty abrupt stop to those plans but we were becoming excited to be parents. It wasn’t a quick change for us, it had taken several weeks for us to acclimate to the idea.
I was still feeling quite disconnected to the thought of being a mom. But also very excited when we had our first appointment.
My first appointment was later than most because I had an insurance issue come up and so I had to switch OBG‘s. So that made our first appointment get pushed back two weeks. There is also another lesson there. Do your research on OBG's before you're pregnant so you're not scrambling.
It was at our first appointment that our world changed again. Within three minutes of meeting with the Sono. Tec. she told us we miscarried. We were then brought into the next room where the doctor gave us our options on how to remove the baby.
Since Peter and I knew so little about pregnancy and then even less about miscarriages we didn’t think to consider any other option. All we knew we had to take time to grieve and then call the doctor with our decision.
We were beyond devastated and so beyond overwhelmed.
Many people knew that we had our doctors appointment that day. So Within an hour we were surrounded by friends and family. Since then a day hasn’t gone by where someone hasn’t drop some thing off or called us.
Anyone we talked to about the appointment could not believe that the doctor didn't suggest a second appointment. The babies measurement was only about a week off and no heartbeat was detected. But I learned after that a baby could be conceived within two weeks of the day of ovulation. The time of conception is not limited to one day.
About 24 hours after our first appointment we were encouraged to go for a second. How could a doctor make a call like that without even coming into the room and without at least seeing us again.
So I scheduled an appointment with a different OBG but I couldn’t get an appointment for a week and a half. It was the worst week and a half of our life to be honest. Because we couldn’t grieve and we couldn’t move forward. I was also experiencing all my same pregnancy symptoms so I was not feeling good. It was also hard to know how hard to pray and how much to hope. I didn't want our hearts to be crushed again.
So we went to a second appointment and at that point we were so fatigued and wanting to know what was going on. The second appointment was night and day compared to the other. The first appointment was about three minutes of the Sono. Tech. explaining what was going on. Where the second appointment with a different OBG was an hour with the Sono. Tech. She did two different types of sonograms and explained everything that was going on. She also gave us pictures of our baby. It was confirmed as a miscarriage.
It wasn’t as emotional or devastating as the first time partially because we were so emotionally exhausted. But it was the perfect way to bring closure to our experience.
So after that I had to schedule surgery to remove the baby. Which was a week after the second sonogram. So the week was filled with more emotions, more anticipation, two more doctors appointments, but even more support and lots of flowers.😍
I had my surgery. I was at the hospital for about six hours. The whole experience was pretty painless and my recovery has been fine since then.
What I learned through this whole experience is the need to know what questions to ask. At every single appointment I was overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. I never had any questions for anyone. That’s some thing I will do better with next pregnancy. So it was a lesson learned for us.
Also if I was to do it all over again as far as telling people or not I would, without question, do the same exact thing. So many moms have reached out saying how much they appreciate me sharing my experience. Also. I don’t think we would’ve ever gone for a second appointment and had a better experience with an OBG if it wasn’t for an outsiders recommendation. We have friends and family that brought us the balance of processing our grief with us or being the friend who brought the food or comic relief. I believe with all the prayers and support around us the process was a lot more peaceful than it could have been.
Life is definitely not meant to be walked through alone and I learned that in such a big way with this experience. It also taught me what kind of support I want to be.
As far as how Peter and I are doing. Because we’ve had so many people praying for us and supporting us we’re doing fine. We still have highs and lows but we're better every day.
We went away for a night in Greenport where we could process all that’s going on plan, for the future and be together. We didn't realize how much we just needed to laugh together.
It was one of the hardest things we’ve walked through together. But again we were never alone so that was such a tremendous blessing for us. We realize this is not the end of our parenting endeavor but the beginning. We know we can get pregnant we know we want to be parents so the rest is in Gods hands. He has the best plan.
This experience also taught me how little control we actually have. That you can do everything in your power but it still may not work out.
It also showed me how little control you have over your kids when you are a parent. I wanted so much to control this babies heart to beat but I couldn’t. But, we have hope, we have joy and we have a peace that surpasses all understanding.
I hope this encourages you to be educated. When it comes to meeting with doctors and appointments and questions to ask. And invite people into your life to walk through the highs and lows with so you’re never alone.
There's a lot more that i could have shared so if you have any further questions about our experience please, reach out.❤️